By Dr. Shimi Kang
Newcanadianmedia.ca
Special to the Post 

Let’s be serious. Most immigrant parents do not have the time, money, resources, or will to be over-controlling, hovering, tiger parents. In fact, the hyper-competitive, over-instructing, “all about me” Tiger Parent is the exact opposite of what leads immigrant kids to succeed. Here is why:

Kids of Tiger Parents Don’t Always Excel

Su Yeong Kim, an associate professor at the University of Texas, followed more than 300 Chinese-American families for eight years. She looked at why tiger parenting may work for Chinese-American families, when that same harsh parenting style proved damaging to non-Asian children. As it turns out, tiger parenting doesn’t work for anyone. Kim discovered that most Chinese-American parents aren’t really the authoritarian tigers one might expect after reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. And, more important, harsh Chinese-American parents end up with children who were just as miserable and rudderless as the children of tiger parents from other ethnicities. The children of parents whom Kim classified as “tiger parents” had lower academic achievement and educational attainment, as well as greater psychological maladjustment and family alienation than the children of parents characterized as “supportive” or “easygoing”. The children of supportive parents had the best developmental outcomes, as measured by academic achievement, educational attainment and family integration. These children also avoided the academic pressure, depressive symptoms and parent–child alienation suffered by their tiger peers.

The Authoritative Dolphin Approach

Many immigrant parents are not authoritarian Tiger parents, nor permissive jellyfish parents. Immigrant parents are often the balance of these extremes – authoritative dolphin parents. Authoritative parents provide plenty of nurturing, but also establish rules and the parents are clear authority figures (not a friend, personal assistant, helicopter). Unlike directionless, jellyfish parents, authoritative dolphin parents have guidelines and expectations and don’t overindulge their children. Studies show overindulged children grow up lacking responsibility, interpersonal boundaries and independent problem solving skills. They are more likely to need constant entertainment and stimulation and are at higher risk of developing conditions such as overeating, overspending and dysfunctional thinking, such as increased depressive thoughts. In fact, the increase in more permissive parenting in each successive generation from immigration is correlated with an increase in youth behavioral problems. In contrast, subsequent immigrant generations that maintained authoritative parenting, did not see a worsening outcome. Children raised by authoritative parents report less depression and anxiety, have better social skills, self-confidence, creativity, better academic performance and intrinsic motivation.

Immigrant Parents do not Over-parent

Over 10 years, as the medical director of child and youth mental health for the culturally diverse city of Vancouver, I have worked with thousands of families from various economic and cultural groups. I have seen firsthand how over-scheduling (leading to burn out), over-instructing (leading to a lack of independent problem solving) and over-protecting kids (leading to fragile kids that lack resilience) are all underpreparing kids for a rapidly changing 21st century by interfering with their ability to adapt. The sheer practicality of establishing security in a new country obstructs many immigrant parents from this disturbing trend of “over-parenting” and creates an environment where children live outside of “a bubble” and thus learn to adapt.

The Value of Community and Connection

Whether a local nonprofit, or far-off “relative”, many immigrants benefit from strong community connections and their children learn that “no one does it alone.” Although it may seem paradoxical, the very skills needed for independent achievement develop within the structure of a group. It is through belonging to a community that we shape both a collective and individual identity, benefit from the exchange of ideas, develop rich social skills and form important (and often lifelong) connections with friends, mentors and role models.

Role Models of Effort, Optimism and Gratitude

Researchers Dr. Hsin and Dr. Xie, who studied the achievement of Asian American students, noted that immigration itself is a factor in immigrant kids’ success stating, “Immigration is a manifestation of that optimism through effort, that you can have a better life.” Of course, the hard work of immigrants is frequently noted, but the power of optimism and gratitude has been shortchanged. Research studies show that when we have an optimistic view of the world, believing that we can control our feelings and behavior, we benefit with less stress, improved life satisfaction and even a longer life. 

Countless studies exist on the beneficial effects of gratefulness, such as an improved sense of happiness, personal growth, better social relationships, better sleep, less depression, less stress and better coping skills. Gratitude is highly motivating and it led me to want to “do something with my life” that had both meaning and purpose. Thankfully, being grateful is not exclusive to children of immigrants – it is something anyone can practice and cultivate at any time.

PARENTING STYLES

Tiger: Strict. The term became popular after the publication of Amy Chua's (2011) book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, who argues that this type of over-bearing parenting is common in Asian families. Examples include forbidding her daughters from watching TV, having sleepovers or achieving any grade less than an A. Even though these children may appear more "successful," early on, research shows they have difficulty independently adapting to life’s changes, they have poor decision-making skills and are at a higher risk of anxiety and depression.

Jellyfish: Permissive. Very little rules or expectations, and often overindulge their children. They tend to lack in the areas of discipline and structured goals, their role modelling is not purposeful and they tend to "give in" to a child’s demands to avoid confrontation. Research shows that children of permissive jellyfish parents have poorer social and academic performance and are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours.

Dolphin: Balanced. Considered the best of both worlds, the parents are firm yet flexible. They have rules and expectations but also value creativity and independence. They are collaborative and use guiding and role modelling to raise their kids. Children tend to develop a sense of self-sufficiency yet are able to follow appropriate rules and guidance. Research shows that children of dolphin parenting have better social skills, increased self-confidence and creativity, better academic performance and enhanced self-motivation.

Dr. Shimi Kang (@drshimikang) is the Medical Director for Child and Youth Mental Health for Vancouver community, a Clinical Associate Professor at the University of British Columbia, and the founder of the Provincial Youth Concurrent Disorders Program at BC Children’s Hospital. She is the author of the #1 Bestseller, The Dolphin Way: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy, and Motivated Kids Without Turning Into A Tiger. For more information, go www.drshimikang.com. The original article was published on newcanadianmedia.ca

Photo caption:  In her book, Triple Package, author Amy Chua charges tiger parenting with why certain 
children succeed. With immigrant children, researchers say this is not the case.
Photo Credit: Pixabay Public Domain